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P.A.O. Twatwaffle - Area 51 Raid

P.A.O. Twatwaffle      Friday, September 20, 2019

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     This is P.A.O. Twatwaffle reporting from Area 51, Nevada. Today is the day! People are already making camp just outside the wire of Area 51. Many have pulled their Airstream campers from the 1970s complete with peace signs and lava lamps for that ambiance that is needed.

     Earlier today, I ran into one Raider that was ready to go in. “We’ve been planning this for years and until earlier this year, it had been a closely guarded secret.” he stated. “My mama always did say that if you’re going to do it, do it with class.” He slapped at his football shoulder-pads as a skinny woman [paler than virtual paper I’m typing this on] ran passed yelling, “I CAN’T WAIT FOR THE TENTACLES!!” I’m not quite sure what she’s trying to get at, but we do hope she gets those tentacles. I did see a Pho Kim Long not too far from here, maybe they have some tentacles with extra sauce.

 

               

     If you’re not familiar with the “Area 51 Raid” scheduled for today, let us give you a quick recap; A few months ago, the event was posted to Facebook and has already gotten over 2.5 million people going with another 1.5 million interested! They claimed it was all a joke but, as we’ve noticed, these campers are quite armed to the gill. A few have automatic Nerf guns while others are sporting Red Ryder B.B. guns. There’s a family of six, grandma is included, and they’re all carrying party poppers. I guess these U.S. Military Soldiers aren’t able to dodge paper blasting at them from an arm’s length away traveling at 1.000023442 inches per thirty seconds.

                

     The U.S. Air Force responded back in July and stated, “Any attempt to illegally access the area is highly discouraged.” Hosts of the event have a plan though! “If we Naruto run, we can move faster than their bullets. Lets see them aliens,” the event description reads. They say that it is an American right and need to know what goes on, why not let them just get a peek?

     Pornhub was also here today. April O'Neil, Lauren Philips, a mystery friend managed to get on base earlier this week and what they found, it was more than just an alien. Trust me, I’ve seen the footage. And not only were they locked and loaded, explosions happened as soon as entry was penetrated.


               

     So now I’m left with a few DVR Field Op members and we’re sitting on the sidelines with our Jack n’ Coke, waiting for the fireworks to begin. We’ll report back as soon as we have more. If you don’t hear from us soon, you know that we’ve stepped on the Mother Ship!!

 

     This is P.A.O. Twatwaffle signing off.

 

Article written by: P.A.O. Twatwaffle - DV Radio's signature gerbil in the bush.

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