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Fu*k Josephus Daniels

DV Tinman      Tuesday, February 12, 2019

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     Ain’t it great to be a sailor, even if just at heart. That’s right, you crusty ol’ assholes, you are so envious of your sailing brethren you can’t talk without bringing their spirit and history out.

     You wake up with a Cup o’ Joe? Not a Navy thing you say? Wrong, says I. Coffee replaced the daily alcohol rations on ships after Josephus (Joe) Daniels banned alcohol on Navy Ships in 1914. Yep, Sailors bemoaning their loss of the magic elixir and settling for some bitter tar like mud out of an urn would refer to a cup of coffee as a “Cup of Joe.”

     Yeah, yeah, you aren’t convinced. Bet you’ve been Groggy a time or two… sometimes from being hung over, some just because. Damn. Groggy, Grog, Mixture of Rum, water, and citrus juice… wait, what was that magic elixir the Navy had before Josephus had a fight with his brother Jack and made the Navy Dry? Oh, yeah… Grog!

     But you aren’t convinced, well, you probably are, but you are unwilling to admit it. I get it. It’s like taking your cousin to the prom and seeing your friend with the Class Belle. We all couldn’t be Sailors and being a soldier or marine is almost as good.

     Shit, do I even have to mention Three Sheets to the Wind? That is too obvious I won’t even explain it has to do with Sheets being lines to control sails and when they are loose the sails flap and are uncontrolled like a person leaning and staggering while drunk. But you knew that.

     Ever heard of Minding your Ps and Qs? Good advice to the crew going ashore. Keep track of how many pints and quarts you have had. Not because Josephus was a teetotaler. This is before his blasphemous action. Mind how many pints and quarts you had so the bar maid doesn’t try and charge you for more than you had.

     Oh, and I know you’ve all been on a Binge. That is really hard-core Navy Shit there. Binging is soaking and rinsing an empty cask on a ship. Us, oops I mean THE real drinkers would take that rinse water from a rum cask and drink it hoping they could get the last drops of alcohol out of it.

Down the Hatch… need I say more?

     Okay, on a serious note, it is funny to see all the phrases that come from the military. Here is my favorite from the Navy. Splice the Main Brace. The main brace was the largest of the rigging on the ship and essential to controlling the vessel. A damaged main brace was difficult to repair, particularly in the midst of battle, so it became customary for the crew members who successfully spliced it to be rewarded with an extra ration of rum. Today, it is a toast to those who have served us. At a formal dinning in (or out) we will bring the staff who has served our dinning needs in and toast them. We thank them because we know that service received is not a right, but a privilege and those who provided it are respected.

     So, to you fuckers, Navy or wish you were Navy, I splice the main brace to you! Thank you for your service. It is appreciated, from a brother-in-arms.

Oh, And Go Fuck Yourself (thought I forgot, didn’t you?)


Article written by: DV Tinman - Residential Naval Tube Expert & DV Mod

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